Is Negativity Bias Sabotaging Your Success?

My daughter Maddy often reminds me of the time I was late for her pre-school dance recital.  Admittedly I should have left home sooner. I should also have factored in that the car park would be full.  But I didn’t. By the time I parked two blocks away, unbuckled my two younger sons (aged one and two at the time) out of their car seats and sprinted — one on hip, one towed through the air — into her classroom, their dance routine had started. I was four minutes late but oh, how I have paid for those minutes a thousand times over, as my daughter had feared her mother would be the only one not to show up.

That was fourteen years ago. When she still brings it up I ask her to think of all the times I wasn’t late. She can’t remember any. Not because I’m always late but because our brains are wired to dwell on the times life has not gone to plan, not on the countless times it did.

This little story is just one example of ‘negativity bias.’ That is, our tendency to focus more on the negatives than the positives – in ourselves, in others (particularly our parents!), in our circumstances; in the past, in the present and when forecasting the future.

You’ve experienced negativity bias if you’ve ever dwelled on:

• The one thing you forgot to say in a meeting versus all that you remembered

• The one bit of critical feedback versus the many positive ones

• The one time someone let you down versus the many they didn’t

• The one bargain you missed over the many you got

• The one thing your partner did wrong or forgot over the many things they did right or remembered

It’s why social scientists have found that it takes five compliments to make up for one criticism (though I reckon its closer to 25!) It’s also why those who can overcome their negativity bias are not only happier people, but also more successful. A study by Psychologist Susan Segerstrom found that ten years after graduation, law students who were optimistic earned an average of $32,667 more than their pessimistic peers.

We are Velcro for negative experiences, and Teflon for positive ones. As such, we tend to over learn from negative experiences, using them as evidence to cement the stories we tell ourselves that hurt our relationships, limit our ambitions, justify our excuses and siphon the joy from our days.

Yet all is not lost. Although we are hardwired back from our cave-dwelling days to look for the negative, our brains’ innate neuro-plasticity also makes it possible to rewire ourselves toward what is good and positive and away from what we perceive as missing or wrong.

Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage, wrote, “We can retrain the brain to scan for the good things in life — to help us see more possibility, to feel more energy, and to succeed at higher levels.” While there’s lots of ways we can do this, here’s my top five.

1.    Notice what you’re noticing

First, pay attention to what you are paying attention to.  Or to put more simply –  cultivate mindfulness.   While attending a mindfulness symposium with Dr Ellen J. Langer from Harvard University, she said that “If something is presented as an accepted truth, alternative ways of thinking do not even come up for consideration.”

As such, in order to rise above our tendency towards the negative, we must practice paying attention to how we are observing the world around us.   Since our brains are hardwired to focus on potential loss – from our physical safety and security to our social standing – we must deliberately focus our attention on those things that are present in our lives.

You can try this right now. Just place your hand on your belly, take a deep breath then notice how it feels to inhale and exhale. Take a look around your room, and notice what you see. Then notice the judgements and observations you’re making about it and what emotions that triggers in you.  Remember, you don’t see the world as it is, but as you are. So run your own little social experiment of noticing how you are noticing things and where you’re dwelling more on what is wrong or could go wrong than on what is right or could be made more right.

2.    Celebrate small wins

Too often in our race through each day we don’t take the time to celebrate the small wins – the application submitted, the article written, the first time your child rode their bike without training wheels, the first sale in your new business. Taking time to celebrate the modest wins and mark the small milestones places emotional deposits into our psychological bank account that we can withdraw from when we are confronted with loss and disappointment.

Studies show that small wins boost our sense of competence and enhance our creativity. As Charles Duhigg explains in The Power of Habit, “Research has shown that small wins have enormous power and influence disproportionate to the accomplishments of the victories themselves.”

3.    Praise the positive in other people 

Most people are better at naming their weaknesses than their strengths, as we have a tendency to wrestle with a sense of inadequacy and dwell on our shortcomings. Each time you acknowledge the strengths, talents, positive choices and innate goodness in those around you, you not only elevate them, you elevate yourself. Sure, there may be many things they are doing that you don’t like — but look for those you do like and focus on that. Catch them doing something right. Share your belief in them. Recall the times they’ve made you feel loved and made you laugh. Appreciate their effort. Write them a card. Celebrate their progress. Acknowledge their loyalty or resilience or whatever strengths you want to encourage in them. Emotions are contagious — we cannot lift another without also lifting ourselves.

4.    Be kinder to yourself 

I can easily spot someone who excels in beating themselves up because I’m so good at it myself. Yet as I shared in a recent article, I’ve gradually come to appreciate that the best ‘self-help’ must always begin with self-love; gifting ourselves with the compassion, kindness, patience, acceptance and gentleness that we give to those we love most (and even to those we often don’t know!)  When we practice self-compassion, we expand our capacity for connection with those around us which, in turn, builds resilience and fuels optimism.  So next time you start to beat up yourself for nothing more than being an imperfect ‘human becoming’, take a moment to think about what the people who love you most would say to you for slipping up and not having it all together, all the time. Then cut yourself some slack and embrace that advice.

5.    Cultivate gratitude

My friend Mona has four teenage children a similar age to my own four. For nearly ten years she has fought stage four breast cancer which has now spread in her body. Yet each time I speak to Mona she disarms me with her deep gratitude for simply being alive and able to witness her children grow into young adults. I am always left profoundly touched and grateful for her example of focusing on what we do have in our lives, not on what we don’t.

Gratitude is a tonic for happiness, not just in hard times, but in all times. Numerous studies, including this one by Philip Watkins, a clinical psychologist at Eastern Washington University, have shown the emotional, mental and physical benefits of gratitude, which found depression to be inversely correlated to gratitude. It seems that the more grateful a person is, the less depressed they are.

Life holds a constant stream of challenges but beneath it runs a deeper current of blessings that can easily be taken for granted. Gratitude takes nothing for granted. It shines a spotlight on all that is good and amplifies its presence, while putting ‘problems’ into perspective so we can respond more constructively, and less resentfully.  So make it a daily habit to practice gratitude because, as Mona has often reminded me, it is an antidote to life’s hardships and a magnifier of its blessings.